I am glad that I gave the book a chance, despite my own misgivings over its contents. The book’s commentary about the need to show attentiveness and tenderness to women, to show appreciation, to have a youthfulness and love of adventure, to be understanding and compassionate to others is spot on, and the book ends far better than it begins. The book tries to straddle the balance between pointing out that manhood is not about superficial appearance but about internal strength of character and pointing out the need to project confidence (which appears a bit dishonest) that one does not truly feel, while pointing out that possessing this sort of ersatz confidence is a result of faith. A lot of what the book has to say is accurate–this book is demanding and complete in its model of complete manhood, presenting a wide variety of qualities that need to be mastered for someone to be a mature and complete man. That said, this book has a lot to offer, even despite its antiquated and sometimes offensive approach. Like many books about manhood, this book assumes that its audience is composed of married men (especially fathers), and the book struggles as well between its desires to present a model of godly masculinity while confusing what is godly and what is merely traditional, even to the point of misquoting scripture on occasion. There is also a difficulty in balance of tone between his pointed criticism of men (the likely audience for this book) as well as his obvious desire to encourage and goad men into, well, manning up and taking responsibility for the well-being of their families. Perhaps this is because the author views the lack of strength of character in ‘contemporary’ American men (he is really hard on American men, and rather stereotypical in his ethnography as a whole) as a vastly bigger problem than the lack of understanding and refinement among men. One is the fact that while the title of the book places steel and velvet as coequal qualities importance to the development of a mature manhood, the book spends about three times as much space on steel as it does on velvet. This issue of balance manifests itself in several ways. Part of the larger issue with a book like this is balance.
It was hard to read this book and not feel insulted at some parts of it, and easy to be encouraged by other parts of it, while a bit unsure exactly what intentions the author had in mind. Finding the balance between the good and bad, sifting the wheat from the chaff, is one of the responsibilities of a thoughtful reader. There are reasons to praise this book and reflect upon it, and plenty to find fault in as well. If one seeks to be generous and judge it for its good intentions, for dealing with a serious issue, and for being a relic of its time, one can be accused of condemning it with faint praise, given that many people almost swear by this book (for reasons that are fairly easy to understand), but others are highly critical of this book, for good reason as well. It is hard to do a book like this justice. Our families and society would be much better for it.Man Of Steel And Velvet: A Guide To Masculine Development, by Aubrey Andelin In a time when we tend to lean toward one extreme or the other, we need more men willing to be men of steel and velvet. And, to be sure, our wives appreciate our steel being wrapped in velvet. However, together the qualities of steel and velvet bring peace, happiness, and fulfillment to our life and relationships. It is not easy to maintain this balance, and we may never strike it perfectly. These men are not only respected, they are also loved. These men can be counted on to come through in difficult and serious situations, and also be playful and lighthearted when the occasion calls for it. People feel secure and cared for in their presence. Men who can balance both are strong and gentle.
These men are very accommodating to the wishes of others, willing to go along and avoid conflict, even when it is not good to do so. While very likeable, they are not dependable – great to have around when life is comfortable, but are not much help when life gets hard. They have no backbone or direction in their life. Men who are just velvet are seen as weak and passive. They don’t care how their decisions impact others. They only care about being right and pushing their agenda. But they are also critical and unable to tolerate the perspectives of others. They may accomplish a lot and people know they are a force to be reckoned with.
Men who are just steel come across as cold and rigid. We need both, but struggle to find balance. The ideal man is one of steel and velvet. He has the strength, endurance, and unwavering characteristics of steel, as well as the softer, gentle, nurturing qualities of velvet.